How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex
Intrusive thoughts about an ex fade when you remove the inputs that keep refreshing them — checking, reminders, retelling the story — and give the thoughts less to do by filling the specific times they arrive. Suppression doesn't work; reducing triggers and changing your routine does.
By AlfaDarling Editorial Team · Updated 6 September 2026 · 3 min read
Why the thoughts are so persistent
An ended relationship leaves an unfinished pattern: hundreds of small expectations about who you tell things to, what happens at the weekend, how the evening goes. The mind keeps returning to it because the pattern hasn't been replaced yet.
Trying not to think about someone reliably increases how often they come to mind. The lever isn't the thought; it's the environment around it.
Reduce the inputs
- Mute or unfollow rather than relying on willpower.
- Archive photos and messages instead of deleting them if deleting feels too final.
- Move the objects you see daily out of sight.
- Ask friends not to pass on updates.
- Change one or two routines that were entirely shared.
Stop rewriting the relationship
Grief tends to edit. Weeks in, most people are missing a curated version made of the best fortnight and none of the reasons it ended. Writing the honest version down once — including what was genuinely wrong — gives you something to read on the evenings when memory turns generous.
This isn't about making yourself hate them. It's about keeping the comparison fair.
One page, once
Write what was good, what was hard, and why it ended. Read it when you're tempted to message, not when you're already fine.
Give the thoughts a slot
A deliberate fifteen minutes a day to think about it — same time, then stop — reduces how much space it takes elsewhere. It sounds artificial and it works better than banning the subject.
When it arrives outside that window, note it and return to what you were doing. Repetition rather than force is what changes the habit.
Fill the exact gaps
General busyness doesn't help much. What helps is occupying the specific hours that used to belong to them — the Friday evening, the Sunday walk — with something you'd have done anyway and someone else to do it with.
Progress is slow and uneven, and it's measured monthly. If the thoughts are constant, you can't function, or you feel hopeless in a way that doesn't lift, speak to your GP or a qualified therapist.
Key takeaways
- Suppression backfires; removing inputs works.
- Write the honest version of the relationship once.
- Give the thinking a scheduled slot.
- Fill the specific hours, not the general week.
About the author
AlfaDarling Editorial Team
Editorial Team
AlfaDarling's editorial team creates practical educational content about modern dating, relationships, communication and confidence.