Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?
Getting back together tends to work when the specific reason the relationship ended has genuinely changed — not been apologised for — and when both people can say what will be different in practice. It tends not to work when the motivation is loneliness, familiarity or the fear of starting again.
By Mara Ellison · Updated 6 September 2026 · 3 min read
Name the actual reason it ended
Write one sentence, as plainly as possible: not 'we grew apart' but 'he didn't want children and I do' or 'we argued constantly about money and neither of us changed anything'.
Reconciliation conversations often skip this because the vague version is more comfortable. But everything else depends on it, because the question is simply whether that sentence is still true.
Has anything actually changed?
Missing each other is not a change. It's the ordinary consequence of having been close, and it says very little about whether the second attempt would go differently.
- Something structural: a job, a city, a decision about children, a course of therapy that's been going for months.
- Something behavioural you can point to in the time apart, not something promised for afterwards.
- Something either of you has changed independently, rather than in order to get the other back.
The honest test
If nothing about the ending has changed, you're not deciding whether to reconcile. You're deciding how long to postpone the same ending.
Check your motive
Reconciliation driven by loneliness, dread of dating again, or the pull of familiarity is very common and very rarely durable. It produces a few good weeks followed by the original problem, now harder to leave.
A useful check: would you still want this if you had a full social life, a good few months behind you, and other people interested? If the answer changes, the answer isn't really about them.
If you're going to try, try properly
- Take a real gap first — a couple of months minimum — so you're deciding about a person, not escaping a feeling.
- Agree explicitly what will be different, in specifics.
- Rebuild slowly rather than resuming at the level you stopped at.
- Set a point, a few months out, to say honestly whether it's actually different.
When not to
Where there was contempt, repeated dishonesty, or any form of abuse, reconciliation isn't a matter of effort and is not something to work out alone; speak to a professional or a domestic abuse service in your country.
AlfaDarling publishes educational guidance, not treatment or crisis support.
Key takeaways
- Write the real reason it ended in one sentence.
- Missing someone is not a change.
- Check whether loneliness is doing the deciding.
- If you try, agree specifics and set a review point.
Frequently asked questions
How common is it to get back together and stay together?
Second attempts are common; lasting ones are much less so, and they're usually the couples who changed something concrete rather than simply missing each other.
About the author
Mara Ellison
Founder & Editorial Director, AlfaDarling
Mara founded AlfaDarling after a decade of writing about modern dating for women who were tired of advice built on games and guesswork. She writes about clarity: how to read actions, name what you want, and stop negotiating with mixed signals.
Ten years writing and editing relationship and lifestyle content, including four years leading a women's dating advice desk. Mara is a writer and educator, not a licensed therapist or counsellor.